8.01.2002
After 1 ½ hour phone call with momI don’t know what to say or feel. I’m just so confused; both happy, but crying with grief. I always knew my mom was hurting, but she hid the pain from me. She put a shield up hiding what she felt and only took in more and more, never telling me how badly she was interpreting things I did and never relieving the pain. What could I say now that she exposed a few? I felt so bad because the truth of her feelings were finally revealed and I had no way of making it better. I had only the harsh facts and my minding spinning crazily. Could I make things better? How? What should I do now? I only want to make everything ok, but that will take effort; something I’ve never been able to find easily inside of me. I don’t do well with change. But I know I’ll try, in the smallest, most detailed way, to help any way I can. If only she could know the feeling of happiness and proud ness I felt when she said that she would try communicating problems to me in a nice way after we cool off and not lecture, instead of blocking her feelings. I still don’t know what to do, but I know I will try. I feel that it’s my duty to make sure that my wonderful mother doesn’t leave this earth thinking that I never cared. Because I do. I have never stopped loving her, and although we have grown apart, I feel that this is because of a communication issue, and nothing else. She is still a wonderful and loving person, and deserves the best; just like she wants and has prepared for me. I want to make her proud. All I want right now is to make her proud. I want to have her look at me and get that feeling of “that’s my daughter”. I know my dad has felt it, but not my mom. Not as much and in the way that I want her to right now… When she started crying and her voice left, that made me cry. Seeing her cry is the most beautiful thing to me. Because it’s a crack in her wall. A small crack of light that shows me that she does care. That she cares more than anything else. That is enough. That is all I need right there at that moment. That will make me cut lose from the anger and see the other side of her. A side that is not exposed often, but the rarity of it makes it so incredibly beautiful. When she started crying today and she said “I planned this to be our vacation” (referring to the weekend trip to Miami which happens to be brother John’s birthday), I suddenly saw the light. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that it IS our vacation together. And then when she talked about life and mothers in general, I knew what she was feeling: because I have that feeling when I’m talking to Britney and I’m teaching her something or warning her about something, or just solving a problem with her. I know that feeling of wanting to transfer the knowledge and grasp you have over to the person you love because you don’t want to see hurt. And I cherish that feeling. I love it. I can’t quite explain anything about it. It just is. I think about everything….everything I’ve learned to this day. And realize that like my mom said “everyday you learn something new. I’m at 51 and I’m still learning new things. I look at how I treat people, how they treat me, and how they react to how I’ve treated them. And I learn. You always make mistakes, but you learn from them. And even if you make them again, you handle them differently.” God bless her for that.
7.30.2002
7.28.2002
